The Panty Fiasco

Don't you just love the word "panty?" Doesn't it remind you of a weird guy in a van with puppies and candy? Sort of perverted, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I don't usually say things like this about the opposite sex, but I have decided that a MAN invented underwear sizing for women. No woman would do this to other women.

So, my behind is getting larger. People keep saying, "You're pregnant...it's okay!" Well, it isn't. Over the weekend, I had to go buy new underwear. My current ones aren't too small...YET. But they will be soon and I like to be prepared for things.

I went to my favorite place, WalMart, and decided that I'd go look for some new underwear. You know, just plain Hanes cotton underwear. I do not normally buy this sort of underwear. 95% of my underwear come from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's catalog. Both of those places sell undies in Small-Medium-Large. I just order according to that. I've never looked at what pant sizes the S-M-L coordinate with. I just order them because I know they fit.

I went to the undies section and began my search. I went to the big wall of Hanes/Fruit of the Loom and looked for my size. At eye-level were size 5. If you know me, you know "I ain't no size 5." I mean, I'm not huge, but I'm definitely bigger than size 5. I then noticed that the larger sizes are above and continue to go up as the wall goes up. I was thinking that if size 5 was eye-level that my size would be to the ceiling and then, because I'm short, I wouldn't be able to reach them (a whole different issue). And then I noticed that the sizes topped out at size 10. My pant size is a size 10-12, but I needed bigger because, as I said, my behind is getting larger.

Much to my dismay, there were no bigger undies on this wall. I turned around 180 degrees and saw the full-figured wall. A tear came to my eye. A lump formed in my throat. Was I really going to have to buy full-figured undies at only 8.5 weeks pregnant??

I think I just stood there in the lingerie department at WalMart for 10 minutes or so because I didn't know what to do. I was so very devastated...on the verge of a panic attack or something. I finally went to the full-figured wall and unfolded a pair of size 14 underwear. My tear quickly dried and I laughed out loud. The size 14 was much larger than I needed. Things were looking up.

I went back to the other undies wall. I picked up the size 8 undies and read the package. Did you know that a size 8 panty is for a size 10-12 pant? No woman would do that to other women...it had to be a man. I happily chose my size 10 undies and left the hellhole that is WalMart.

Why is buying things so effin' difficult when you're pregnant? Why can't things be easy?? Why do I almost cry when I'm performing the simplest of tasks? Man, this is just insane.