The Third Trimester Yucks

So, lately I haven't been having a very easy time. Things are more difficult now. I am slightly more emotional now. I am less than slightly more giant now. Everyday tasks are difficult. I have a hard time even putting on my pants! I can't reach my feet while sitting down. I can't find a single comfortable position to sleep. I can't stand up for long periods of time. The heat KILLS me. The swelling in my feet is out of control...I've been told that nothing is wrong, I'm just swelling because of being pregnant and the heat and that there are limited things I can do about the swelling anyway. I get very winded when I exert any sort of energy. Yesterday I carried a load of laundry (not heavy) from our laundry closet to our bed which is about 15 feet away and I was out of breath.

Here's a picture of my huge-mongous feet...

Why does anyone have more than one child? Don't get me wrong...there have been WAY more good things about pregnancy than bad things, but this third trimester business is just insane!! I've been told that I will forget all of the bad things once Jayna is here and I'll focus on the good things. I guess I'll just have to trust that that is true for now because I can't see that happening at this point.

Tuesday was possibly the WORST day of my pregnancy yet. I spent ALL morning fighting back tears for absolutely no other reason than the fact that I was uncomfortable and exhausted. I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw an old-school 2-year-old tantrum. I didn't, but I wanted to. All afternoon was spent worrying about a doctor's appointment that ended up being fine. All evening was more of being uncomfortable and not being able to sleep.

Yesterday I had a slight freak out moment when I looked at my calendar and realized that I only have 3 weekends, 4 at best, before my due date...and I still have a list of things to do/buy a mile long before that happens. I made an actual written list of things that need to be done and bought so that I can see the big picture. It really eased my mind to see it all on paper. It is a little more manageable now that it all isn't just jumbled up in my head. All of the things to do are fairly simple and will require little effort on my part...and Chris will help me or just do it for me. He is the most wonderful husband ever. I've never known someone with so much patience...let's hope that lasts!

I am very ready for Jayna to be here...but I'm so not ready for Jayna to be here. How's THAT for a contradiction?! I'm ready to be done with the pregnancy, but not mentally or physically prepared to have a baby. Here's to hoping I'm cut out for this...

The Last Double-Digit Week

So, here's the story:

I went to Panera yesterday to get dinner for my friend Laura and I. After I had ordered and paid, the cashier guy asked me, "So, how much longer do you have until you have your baby?" I responded, "Tomorrow will be exactly 10 weeks until my due date." And, you know what he said? He said, "How cool, then the week after that you'll be down to single-digit weeks!!"

I froze.

I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't respond in any way. I must have looked like a deer in headlights.

He then said, "Oh my gosh, I'm sooo sorry!! You didn't realize that, did you? I didn't mean to freak you out! I'm so sorry!"

No, Mr. Cashier Man. I didn't realize that. But thank you for pointing it out. And that isn't a sarcastic statement. Truly, thank you. I need to start thinking of this pregnancy a little more seriously...a little more, should we say, immediate. I need to get my bag ready for the hospital. I need to choose a pediatrician. I need to pay for my doula services. I need a car seat. Holy shit. NOW is the time to panic!!!

When I left Panera, I went to see my friend Laura and her almost-five-week-old baby. This left me a little more panicked than I had thought it would. I think the realization that I'd be in Laura's shoes in just 10 (or less) short weeks got to me. Can I do it? Will I be good at it? There are so many things to get done and buy and think about...again...NOW is the time to panic!!!

I am now VERY nervous about my natural childbirth class next week. I think that may have something to do with the topics of discussion at last week's childbirth prep class. We learned about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. And there are so many things that could go wrong. I know it's just "could," but it's still a little frightening. Can I have a baby naturally? Am I cut out for this? Up until now, I've thought, "Hey, people in other countries have babies with no pain management ALL THE TIME. I'll just pretend like I have no pain management options." Yeah...no. I can't do that now. I've learned about my pain management options and I can no longer pretend they aren't there.

So, I will repeat...NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!! What have we done?!? We are sooo not prepared for this. A woman I worked with awhile back once told me that if you wait to have kids until you're prepared, you'll never have kids. That has become my mantra. I repeat that in my head over and over again when I have freak-out moments such as this one. I just hope she is right...

A Crazy Thirst for Knowledge

...that is sometimes detrimental. Did you know that there is a such thing as being too informed? Atleast I think there is. I am notorious for taking days, weeks, even months sometimes, to make a decision...because I want all of the information I can get on the subject at hand so that my decision can be an informed one. When I do not do my research, I end up with shiny red expensive apples that taste the same as the non-shiny cheap ones.

BUT...the flipside of that is the fact that I sometimes gather TOO much information and then lose all ability to make a decision. And then husband has to do that for me. Which sucks. Not that he's bad at making decisions, just that I can't stop splitting hairs and get the job done. I guess this may be one of my biggest character flaws.

That being said, today I signed up for our last childbirth class...Natural Childbirth. Now we are registered for three classes: Childbirth Prep, Natural Childbirth, and Breastfeeding Basics. To me, that isn't alot. There are actually more classes that I want to take, but I don't want to pay for them. Like Newborn and Infant Care Basics. But I think I'll then be getting into the "too much information" territory.

I had to sign up for the Natural Childbirth class through the hospital's doula service. I thought this was strange, but I found out that this is done for 2 main reasons: 1. Hardly noone takes the class, so it's free. and 2. They hope you will use their services after taking the class. Now, I was not pressured into using doula services. The very helpful woman was okay with me just taking the class. She asked me if I had thought of using doula services and if I wanted some information on how all that works. I have thought of this and she gave me a very brief overview of the cost and how the program works. And I'm now leaning toward the services.

I feel that it couldn't be a bad thing for a supportive person who helps pregnant women for a living to help me be informed about a birthing plan and how to put that plan into action and/or revise it at the last minute. I ALWAYS need a plan even if I don't always follow it. I do trust in my ability to make decisions and I trust Chris to make decisions for me...but we've never done this before. I do realize that many, many women give birth without the help of an outside source and live to tell about it. But not all of those women are crazy plan-needers like me.

And that paragraph that you all just read is exactly the reason that too much information can be detrimental...and a classic example of why I am crazy. Having a doula can only make this experience more positive. This is my decision to make...can I do it? The hair-splitting stops now.

Baby Slapdash

So, I have a few things on my mind. Some of them seem very important and others sort of trivial. Read at your own risk.

* Yesterday, a bank robbery took place in my city...just down the street from where I went to high school. I live about 15 miles from there now, but I did attend high school about a mile from the bank. A good friend lives less than a mile from where this happened. She has a year-old son. I was very nervous for them. And why, you ask, was I concerned about this particular bank robbery in contrast to all of the other bank robberies that happen in my big city? Because the robber shot, without provocation, a 30-yr. old teller in the lower abdomen who was 5 months pregnant with twins. She let him take whatever he wanted and never resisted. And he still shot her. In her lower abdomen. Where she was carrying two babies. Where the hell are peoples' brains? Why would anyone do this? He got the money. No one stopped him from taking it. And he shot a pregnant woman. And this is why I hate people. And I did cry because of this...in part because of my hormones and in part because I'm not sure what I would have done in that woman's position. I'm not sure what I'd do if my unborn child was in any sort of harm.

* I ordered the crib on 3/31. It was set to ship from the factory on 4/14 and I was to allow 4-7 additional business days for delivery. And here it is, 4/22, and do you think I have a crib? Nope. The baby will be sleeping in one of her dresser drawers, I guess. Oh well. Who really needs a bed for their baby anyway? I suppose I will have to call and yell at someone tomorrow morning...

* Learning the gender of the baby and giving her a name has really driven home the permanence of my situation. You know, the "I'm growing a baby" situation. I can't go back from this. I no longer have a choice. I got a tattoo with no problem. I never had any thoughts about the fact that it's a permanent mark on my body. But I'm JUST NOW realizing that I HAVE to have this baby and raise it. Oh no. What have we done?

Oy.

I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself! Only 26 hours until we know!

Things are getting very real for me now. I am now realizing the extent of what we've done...the physical toll that it will take on my body, the way it will change my relationship with Chris, the fact that we will hardly ever be alone and the fact that we will be responsible for another living thing...a human.

This has been very difficult for me. I have never been one to doubt myself. Sure, I have my days, but they just come and go. For the past week, I've doubted every decision I've made for as long as I can remember and I am doubting that I will be able to make sound, rational decisions in the future. I doubt my ability to be a parent. I doubt my ability to even give birth...which I really don't have a choice about! I'm anxious about everything and I almost cry everyday about it. I do talk to Chris everyday about how I'm feeling and, although he may be tired of hearing about it but will never tell me that, he is so very sweet and concerned. He listens and reassures. He is very helpful. And I love him.

I'm sure this is normal. I don't *know* that, but it seems like something every mother-to-be should go through. I know deep down that things will be okay...but I need to see it to believe it. The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, would say that I need to believe it to see it. I'm sure he's right. A strong belief in myself can be nothing but helpful. I'll get to work on that ASAP.

10 Weex

Yes...here it is. My 10 weex post just one day shy of 12 weex. Yep, you heard me. Tomorrow is 12 weex and here I am writing my 10 weex post. What a slacker I am. Oh well.

Here is me at 10 weex...getting a belly.

How did I feel at 10 weex, you ask? Miserable. Tired. Bloated. Fat. Emotional. Angry. Sick. Guilty. Let's make this easier...you name a feeling and I probably had it. Yes, it was really like that. Ask Chris. He'll be my witness.

I talked to my good friend Jenna today and she just listened and listened and listened. Love her! She assured me that this feeling of irritability that I have toward what is happening to me will subside. I WILL be okay. A million people have told me this, but it's different coming from her. See, I was THERE when she was pregnant for the first time. She was a raging LUNATIC. But she got better about things. And she assures me that, just as for her, things will be okay for me. It was very comforting. Thanks, girl.

A cross-reference post...

I wrote an entry at Traffic In The Sky today that crossed over into pregnancy world. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. But I did. Call it pregnancy insanity, or whatever. I want to post part of it here so that I can have it for the Blurb book I’m going to have made. Here goes:
I got an email from my friend Laura yesterday that was so very insightful…

“I am feeling fine, pretty normal. All the icky feelings from the first trimester have been gone for a while and it is just crazy that I am over half way there now. It is scary! I mean exciting but scary too! I have no idea how I am going to take care of a baby and get no sleep and all that. I also have no idea how I am going to work from home 2 days with a newborn, and the dogs! I know everyone says it will be fine. But still I like to know how things are going to be ahead of time. And since I have no way of knowing that, it is scary to me!What on earth have we gotten ourselves into???!!! “

Great. Now I have a whole new area of worrying. That last line really sticks with you. What have we done?! I think I am correct in saying that Laura and I are alike in the fact that we like to have things planned out. We like to know what’s ahead and know what to expect. And, as she says, there is NO way of knowing. What the hell were we thinking??
Well, Laura, as I’ve been told 1,453,454,579,832.648 times, “It is all worth it in the end.” Keep your eyes on the prize, girl.