The Final Frontier

So, this is the last blog entry I'll write before I have a living, breathing baby. In one respect, I feel as if I've been pregnant forever...but on the other hand, where did the time go? I was thinking yesterday that in just a few weeks/months, I'll be wearing my regular clothes again...and I can't remember what any of them look like! Now that I'm at the very end, I feel immensely unprepared, like I haven't had any time to prepare. I know that 38 weex is a long time, but I don't know what I've done with that time.

I went to the doc yesterday and there hasn't been a change. I'm still about 3cm. dilated, 75% effaced and Jayna is still at -1. My blood pressure was okay and my swelling has gone down a great deal. But my placenta is on it's last leg. Jayna needs to be born. And I'm ready for her to be here! If something doesn't go down tonight, I'll go in for my induction at 7:30 in the morning.

Here are some of my thoughts on my last day of pregnancy:

* I LOVE to have a plan, even if I don't necessarily use it. I like to know what time things are happening. I don't do well with, "We'll be there around 7." That's not good enough for me most of the time. I want to know if "around 7" means 6:45 or 7:15. I need to know what I'm doing...I just like to be prepared. Remember: Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance. BUT...I think I wanted the birth of my child to be completely unplanned. I didn't want to know when she was going to be born. I didn't want to schedule her arrival. I wanted her to be able to do it on her own. And now I don't get that chance. I can't help but feel somehow responsible.

* I feel like I've done everything wrong. I'm having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I am not in control of things. I've been told by doctors that there is nothing I could have done about my blood pressure...and there is nothing I could have done about the placenta. I just can't accept that. It's my body and I should be in tune with it. I feel like I've been fighting with myself NON-STOP for weeks now. And it's no fun.

* There aren't words to describe the excitement. I've pretty much blocked out all of my thoughts about the pain because I just want her here. I. Just. Want. Her. Here. Period. End of story. I feel like I've gotten to know her very well over the past few months and I'm ready to meet her.

* At this point (I said AT THIS POINT), I can't for the life of me determine why women do this to themselves more than once. Pregnancy is such a roller coaster of emotions and the difficulty of everyday tasks is, at the least, daunting. Don't get me wrong...I've enjoyed my pregnancy for the most part, but it's hard work! Is it supposed to be easy? Nope. But I think that any woman who says pregnancy turned out to be exactly what she thought it would be is a damn liar! I've felt things, both emotionally and physically, that I still can't explain...hell, that I'll never be able to explain. It's been a crazy experience and there are definitely things I won't miss. I will, however, miss the fact that right now I am able to keep her safe and warm and soon she'll have to face the world.

* I've learned throughout this pregnancy that if I've ever had any doubts about what a good husband I have that I should let those doubts die. He has gone above and beyond the call of duty while I've been pregnant (actually he does that all the time even when I'm not pregnant, but I've especially appreciated it during the pregnancy). He has cooked countless dinners and cleaned our entire house for weeks on end so that I didn't have to do it. He makes sure I get what I need and want no matter how trivial. And even when I haven't been so nice, he has still stuck around and helped me through all of the emotional ups and downs. I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I can't imagine my life if he weren't in it. He is truly "my soul's recognition of itself in another" (name that movie!). I must have really done something good in the eyes of Karma to deserve him. I love you, Chris. Our lives are about to change like we could've never imagined. Put on your game face. :)